Nov 6, 2008

Love, she wrote.

This comes from a friend's blog. She wrote this one fine day purging away everything that had been going on inside her since the past few weeks. I took a special permission from her to put it on my blog (so you people better read the whole thing!) so that more people could hear her voice. Even though it comes from an unspoken corner.

'People look at me and say "but you're a psychologist! You should know better!"

Why the assumption? Are they psychologists that they know so definitely that "psychologists have the best coping strategies?" that is not so far from the truth. We may know the exact way to cope, but we also know how each and every coping strategy that we may apply is in fact just simply a defense mechanism we are using to hide the immense pain we are under. Hence in turn, we know exactly what we are doing and exactly what great pain we are trying to overcome, resulting in magnifying the pain to much larger extents and inadvertently just being a victim of more pain and suffering.

Lol (laugh out loud may I) but my Significant Other (SO) (yes yes I know he's no more there as a being, but within me he still is…and from where I see it, will be for a long long loooong time) seems to think I usually act like we're 16 year old teenagers. Now that's what I call a brilliant defense mechanism! The sad fact is, we have behaved like 16 year old teenagers. Getting together one day, meeting up, talking on the phone, smsing, and then suddenly, he dumps me. Is that what one does when they are committed? Committed adults? Sounds more like one of my "literally" teenage students flings. What am I to say? My dear child, I'm nothing but a victim of one such event? It's sad but it's true. But these kids. These kids have hope. They're young. They'll find new love, you know why? Cause they are mentally prepared to do so. Their story doesn't involved being engaged in front of 200 people, and having the promise of marrying the man of your dreams.

Now here's how my situation is different. For my entire life, I had imagined my prince charming. He was there, in my mind. I knew exactly what I wanted. And I was determined that until he came along, I would not give in to anything less. So I disregarded all the other prospective husbands. Of course in the society I live in, being so picky and choosy especially at my age was sheer stupidity on my part. But I know myself. I can't live with something lesser, knowing that I could have gotten better only if I was patient. And I was. I was happy for all around me who were getting married, all those who were getting engaged, and all those who had their lovers. I was happy. Happy because prince charming was in my mind. Right there. And I was waiting for him. And he was coming.

Whenever a proposal came, or people just came to "see me" (and I gave in to this pathetic norm because of major social pressures) I couldn't stop laughing when I entered the room. So when my SO's mom brought him to see me the same evening, I was like all hehhee ahhah…until I stepped into the room and I heard him. I was dumb founded. I knew it he is the one. I just knew it. In the pit of my heart I knew it. I knew it more than anything I had ever known. And when within a couple of days they proposed, I was on cloud 9 (falling from could 9 hurts a lot by the way.) I never saw him that one day he came , because I was so nervous and so shy that all I remember looking at was my own feet and the carpet design. Usually if I don't get to see the guy in such circumstances, I catch a glimpse while serving the coffee/chai/drink. But I just couldn't in this case…it was because I knew. I knew it. I knew it I was going to wake up next to him every morning of my life, and I'd look at him all I want. I want to say "I knew it" 1 million times more, because yaar…I just knew it.

Anyway, 10 days later we said yes, and another 10 days later was the ceremony. Ah yes. It was surreal. Me a bride? Lol. You know when girls go to weddings and engagement's they always imagined themselves as the bride. I never did. Mostly cause I honestly never expected to get married. Only because my prince charming was too perfect to be true, and I knew I would never compromise. But the day of the engagement, I was shocked to see myself. With the teeka and duppata and make up and heels and all. Might I add, I'm a tom boy mixed with laziness. Never bothered about fashion or looking good. Only thing that mattered was comfort. So I could spend my life in a couple of jeans, kurtis and chappals/joggers. I was very low maintenance unlike the norms of the girls today who end up spending 1/3 of their lives in parlors. But on that day, on that very day I was determined to look pretty. To look stunning, to look like a bride. I remember spending 12 hrs in the bazaar looking for the perfect dress to wear. And by perfect not perfect in my eyes, but perfect in my SO's regards. I was choosing things according to what little I understood of the type of person he was. Why? Just, wholly and solely for my SO. I wanted to be perfect. Because I'm very "puranay zamanay ke khayalat type." Because I believe you are your man's respect. And I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to be happy standing next to me saying "this, this woman is my fiancé."

So the ceremony happened. It was perfect. He was perfect. He was everything that I had understood him to be from those few minutes I heard him speak.

Time went on. Everything was perfect. He was so sweet. He would call, care, be such a romantic (although he always claimed he wasn't the lovely dovey type).

Until 2 weeks after the ceremony. My dreams came crashing down. I was told he wasn't happy with the engagement. And my world stopped. My self image, my self esteem just shattered. Might I add I do have severe low self esteem issues. I was also of course severely threatened not to ever tell him of what I was being told, or what I knew. And the reason was because I was told "he" would not like it. He would break off the engagement. I am a very simple girl. I live life in the moment. I take people and their words on face value. I trust people.

My entire image of my SO just became blur. I didn't know him anymore. Instead of being open and communicating with him I became so scared of him. I became so scared to say anything. He noticed, of course (since I'm famous for not being able to hide my feelings. As my professor used to say "Her face is like a TV" whatever she feels comes out on top.) I can't hide. I'm not chalak. Anyway.

When I'd ask him if he was okay, he said he was. But each time I was told he's angry with me (and I didn't know why) and I was told to ask him what's wrong, I'd ask him. Being in such a difficult position I couldn't not ask him, neither could I tell him what was going on. He started to get annoyed by my constant questioning. And I got ever more worried. I just didn't know what to do, who to talk to, or how to handle things.

I started to misperceive all his actions. Started to really accept that he didn't like me. And he was just being forced. It was heartbreaking for me. Because I felt I was with my prince charming, but he was compromising with just any girl.

So I started to try to become his princess. (I know these terms are very childish, but hello, right now, I'm just a girl, who lost in love. Who still waits painstakingly everyday for her prince charming to come back to her.) I caught on to his every word. When he'd say he was busy I'd try my best to stay away. When he didn't reply I'd just smile it away. When he'd simply say he'd love Cholas when we got home from work, and then a nice dinner, I'd cook and send it all immediately. I started to learn to make 1 billion different kinds of Cholas. When he really wanted to eat those doraji ke cholay I tried to get them for him, but alas the shop opened in the evenings. I threw away all the lawn, cotton duppatas and bought new silky ones because he said the other type looked like chadars. All my shadi shopping from clothes to perfumes to lingerie to shoes to bags was done according to my idea of what HE liked. Even my mom was telling someone, yeh kaisi hai, she doesn't buy what she likes, she just buys what she thinks he likes. But that's who I am. Always thought that when my guy comes, I'll do anything and everything in the world to make him happy.

As time went on I was under more and more stress. Because the outside pressures were directly effecting our relationship. And I could helplessly see it detoriate. A point came when I wanted to just tell him everything. I tried. Tried to ask him to meet up. But he was busy. And again being the I-cant-give-more-stress-to-my-guy type, I just delayed it. He said he was busy at work. I was keeping up with the business situations in Pakistan, and I had an idea of the kind of stresses he must be under. Hence the last thing I wanted was to give him any more stress. So finally after two whole months (and these were the toughest months) of feeling so alone and helpless, and more so scared, we went out for dinner. I felt that night our relationship was getting back on track. And the entire situation reminded me of our 1st two weeks. I didn't want to ruin it, so I delayed brining up issues. I felt we'll meet again shortly, and I'll clear things out. Mind you I was still very scared to approach the subject because it was so so sensitive that any slip here or there could bring everything crashing down.

I was in love. I knew it. I bet he'd say I'm being dramatic, but I was. I gave up so much for him. And in return all I wanted was to spend my life with him. I am not the demanding type at all. I don't care about materialistic things, or about designer stuff, or about being given gifts. But I still hung on to the rose he gave me one day. Just because he gave it.

He was so important to me. I wanted to tell him, but I was so scared he'd ridicule me. But I wanted to tell him that there are two men in this world who I love. One my dad, the other him. My dad left me, and so did he. But the only difference is, dad didn't have a choice, he did. And it was exactly this fear of abandonment that I told him two days after the engagement "Don't leave me."

I loved his dad as my own. In the depth of my heart I wished for one thing. I wished that my prince charming would have parents. I always wanted to live together, like one big happy family. I loved my SO's parents like my own. I still refer to them as mummy, papa when I talk about them. I respected them. Loved them.

A few days after the dinner, he calls. I still shiver at his tone. He was angry. I don't know what had happened at his end, but I knew he had had enough. I remember pleading again & again, I'm very happy. I'm very happy. I remember telling him, please listen, what you saw of me was not me. It was my reaction to the stress I was under. But I could feel I'm talking to a wall. 25 minutes and 25 seconds later he put down the phone. I thought he's understood that there has been something going on behind his back which he doesn't know of.

I cried that whole night. I cried because I hated myself for not telling him everything at dinner. I cried because of the way he spoke. I cried because of frustration that he didn't register anything I was saying. I cried because the man I loved so so much, was sick and tired of me.

I couldn't let anyone know how upset I was. Because I didn't want my family to worry. So the next morning I did what I had been doing. Shadi shopping. Still buying things that SO would like.

Two days later I come home from shadi shopping. Everyone's gathered. I thought the wedding date is being fixed. I'm smiling, while everyone's looking at me. And I hear the worst words ever "SO's dad called this morning and broke the engagement."

I was sitting on the sofa where SO had sat when he had come over too meet nani. I remember continuing to smile. My mind was jelly. I had a million all blurry thoughts in my head. I felt my face wet. Tears were flowing down but I was smiling. I knew one thought was the strongest. This is not happening. He's just upset. He'll come back.

So I started to discuss everything in a very objective manner. Until my uncle said, we'll have to call everyone tomorrow and tell them. That's when I laughed and said, "So like one second. You're going to tell people it's over? But it's not over? I mean how can it be."

Again tears started to flow, and with my thoughts, my vision became blurry. I saw mom's face. She had died inside. She knew how I had become when dad passed away. And I could see it she was seeing me starting to go through the same thing again. I controlled myself. Wiped away the tears and just smiled. The protocols were discussed, decided, and everyone left. Mom started to cry hysterically. I was broken, shattered, and dead from inside. I felt betrayed. I just couldn't understand how such a strong man like him could leave me alone in all this. I needed him. I needed his support.

Days passed. I kept looking at my cell whenever it beeped or rang. I thought it was him. I didn't answer anyone else, or reply to anyone else. I just didn't know what to say. When I did reply to smses after a few days, I'd just say "I'm fine. Everything's fine."

At home it was terrible. It was a replay of dad's time. Mom would keep crying. I would be as normal as possible. But whenever I'd go to take a shower I'd just sit helplessly on the floor, hoping my cries would die down under the shower. Every night, I'd cry myself to sleep. I'd wake up in a couple of hours desperately checking my cell to see if there's anything from him. His number is still saved as Mangetar. But there would be nothing. I didn't believe he was never coming back. Because taking away all the externally induced misunderstandings we were perfect.

Everything I'd see made me cry. Because I had inculcated him into every minute detail of my life. People started coming over, to "try and make me feel better." They'd attempt to humiliate him, try and speak about how bad he was. But that'd infuriate me. How dare anyone say a word against my SO. Denial was at its peak. People told me things about him that he was so bad etc etc etc. I didn't believe a word. I knew that he was good. He was a good human being, who just made a mistake. And more so, I knew he would come back.

A few weeks later, anger started to develop. I was desperate to call him and just tell him how he had ruined my life. This anger stemmed from how his leaving me had affected my life in such unimaginably drastic ways. I was someone who gave the impression of being strong, career oriented, independent, and being an individual. Not a clone like most girls these days. And here, he took away all that, made me into a girl, whose dependent, shy, romantic. Back at work I was mocked because everyone was saying "told you so. Told you not to leave your job for a man." I couldn't belive their ideas had been proven, because I knew in my heart they were wrong. Giving up yourselfp for your man is just love. Pure unconditional love. He stripped me of my cover, exposed me to the world, and when I thought he'd be my protection, he left me in front of the world as a laughing stock all alone.

I tired to move on. I promise I did. And as days went by, the anger subsided, but confusion came in. I needed that closure. I needed to know why he had done this. Where did I go wrong? Mujh mein kya kami thi? Cause I swear if I knew, I'd overcome anything to become what he wanted.

And one day I did. I called him. We spoke. And when I put down the phone, I just went back to square one. I knew I hadn't chosen the wrong guy. I knew my wait was worth it. He is a gentleman. And what he made was an honest mistake. Just an honest mistake. Unless of course he was doing a drama, which I know he wasn't.

And here I wait helplessly, yet again. And this time its worse. Because I cant rationalize it any other way. I cant use any defense mechanisms. I can't tell myself, he was a heatless jerk! Or he wasn't worth it. Because EVERYONE…hear me out loud, he was the man of my dreams!

And here I am. Again going through the pitiful process of rishtas. But there's a mental block. I can not accept anyone else. When people come I just look at them like normal aunties and uncles and their sons and daughters. Because in my heart I feel, hey I'm already engaged. I have my wonderful guy, and his wonderful family.

Again my problem is, I can't compromise. But the bigger problem is I won't be allowed to do this anymore. According to my society, I'm stained. I have to compromise. Staying single is not an option they say.

And I don't mind being single or alone or living with myself. Men weren't worth it, in my opinion, before he came along. But that short-lived, because how can he expect me to trust anyone ever again. This will break me. I don't think anyone deserves that. And this, this is the big one. Do you know what kind of miracle it is? I am an optimist. I still believe in true love and soulmates. I'm waiting for you. And if you don't come back from this, you will change who I am.

So here I am. A girl. Sitting in complete helplessness. Because this is all that I could do. Tell him we were perfect. I already broke so many norms telling him that. If I get caught it'll make my life a living hell. Some people (& I hope my SO didn't think the same way, cause I feel he's more intelligent than that) that I'm falling all over him. But who cares right? If there's that 0.00000000001% chance of having him back, I'm taking it.

So I wait. So I wait for him to take that step back towards me. Because in my world, mistakes can be undone. And if he takes that step, I swear I would fight for him. I would fight for us.

Or then, he'll just have held my hand and given me away to another man, who I know I'd despise. Who I know with whom each day of my life I'd think of my SO and cry and wonder, why? Just because of stupid wrong norms? Just because of ego? Just because of the road back being too rocky?

Here I wait. Wait for him. Again I repeat.

"I'm just a girl asking a guy to love her."..'


Mampi said...

Aww, You made me cry...

Anonymous said...

Oh.My.God. I'm so touched by what she writes because in her own way, she's writing my story too.

This may seem somewhat harsh because whem emotions paint one's feelings, it hard to be rational and logical but she needs to give herself the chance to get over this. It seems she doesn't want to. No doubt, she had an intense attachment to him, and I don't doubt, for a moment, the INTENSITY with which she must be hurting, but I've just got to say this:

Some pray to marry the man they love,

My prayer will somewhat vary;

I humbly pray to Heaven above

That i love the man i marry.

--Rose Pastor Stokes

xx and prayers for her,

Shadow said...

I could tell that every word was heartfelt. Personally, I tend to rationalize with every aspect of life; but I guess this is different. It would be hard to be rational when you feel so deeply about a person....or anything for that matter. I honestly pray that this proves to be a passing phase for her.

Majaz said...

i sit with her everyday listening to her map it all out in her head, thinking and wondering what went wrong, why it didn't work out. People (including me) keep telling her she's better off, that she deserves better. She's tired and aching and I can't feel sorry for him for leaving her.

How can she?

Anonymous said...

May Allah save all from such trauma... though I know many suffer from it.

Many things left me unsettled while reading it...
If she had the prince charming chalked out, how did the first meeting prove him so? If you chalk out a person does not that mean you think of the character of the person? Or was it that he just looked so handsome that everything was forgotten in that first moment??

Had she always thought of living her life according to the dictates of the guy and have none of her ownself preserved and continued even after meeting him or being with him?

Is there a thing as unconditional love? Can you love AND respect someone who doesn't love AND respect you back? Ok forget about love, that takes time usually, but respect...can you love someone who treats you like crap??? Again..YES heart is a funny thing...AGAIN...I PRAY... May Allah save us from doing that to ourselves.

Yes a girl, from our society would love to do things that her husband or husband to be likes, but when those things totally contradict your own personal values or they you to forget yourself completely...then it's not's the norm that the females here are meant to follow.

Again...I Pray...May Allah save us all from treating ourselves like this for someone who wouldn't care less.

Again..I Pray... May Allah save us from feeling this for someone who doesn't reciprocate it.

I pray Allah helps her heal...


Anonymous said...

Ishq mein teray, koh-e-gham
Sar pay liya, jo ho, so ho

I wish I could say something else...

Anonymous said...

The heart doesnt take its direction from logics or reasons.. it takes its dictates from the stupidest of moments and feelings and yes.. perceptions. But then when that heart is alive, we are more than ourselves, yes :) and no damned logic ever achieves that, true? So.. If being with him is what will save her from corroding her spirit, then She should show him this.. and maybe know for sure if hes some asshole that just wasnt interested.. or actually someone quite confused who needs to know how she feels to maybe take some step himself..

p.s: who is z?

Majaz said...

Z is a friend of mine, Hmmnaa.

Anonymous said...

ditchers suck...

Anonymous said...

I know how heart doesn't tae dictates from logic...that's why I prayed so much that Allah save us from doing that to ourselves.

Yes...ditechers suck! Big time!

my space said...

I dont know what to say..there is a mann ka ho toh accha , aur na ho toh aur bhi accha..(if things happen ur way its good , if they don`t its better!)...Hope she finds someone who loves her more than she loves him!

Shadow said...

In my opinion....the bottom line is that emotions have to be kept under check and never given a free reign. Cause they can easily override all rationality. A balance has to be maintained cause a tilt either makes a person cold or very vulnerable.

Unknown said...

I'm glad she wrote this. I'm glad she told you. Keeping this inside would kill anyone.
Just having the courage to write everything, the way she did, incident by incident, feeling by feeling shows she has a lot more courage than other people.

All my prayers for her.

And every girl asking a guy to love her.

And i'm sorry Mahw, you've been tagged.

Shit i'm so callous

m.o.r.e. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Majaz said...

The brain-heart barrier debate will see better places, people.

Right now all I can see is a person who is terribly beautiful and terribly sweet and terribly broken hearted.

That is the tragedy, the problem to focus on.

Hufsa said...


Anonymous said...

that was sad yet strong... good luck to your friend...
I beleive that...whatever happens, happens for a reason....but yet i wait for things to happen my way! be the optiist and wait! it'll happpen, my faith is toooo high on this. good luck!

P.s: nice blog:D

Anonymous said...

optimist i meant*

Majaz said...

Thank you, Ghazal.. :)

Anonymous said...

strangely, neither did i feel like crying nor did i feel sorry for anyone in the story. it's an unfortunate situation, yes, but partially, it's created by the people involved.

1. society is screwed. there should be no pressure on a girl to get married and there being an age limit.

2. arranged marriage and women, who claim themselves to be educated and independent, having giving in to societal pressure to bow down to arranged marriage is criminal. she should've stood up against it if she could.

3. her fault for having the mindset that she is her man's honor/respect. her fault for trying to 'change' herself to suit someone else. her fault for letting her emotions take over all rationality. her fault for killing her own individuality.

now, my suggestion to her would be to accept the fact that she made a mistake of killing herself. she will have to work doubly hard to regain herself and her individuality but she can't give up. most importantly, it's not that 'men' or other people who hurt us are bad ... it's that we don't understand our own strengths and weaknesses and let our weaknesses rule our strengths.

when she looks for a man, she shouldn't be looking for a man who'd 'support' her ... she's a big girl who can very well 'support' herself ... she should be looking for a partner who can support himself and who she can get along with. this whole idea of a woman depending on her husband, doing everything for his happiness, thinking that she is his honor, and that he should support her in her weak times .... it's all bull and it's brainwashed into us girls especially in our societies. it's not 'puraane khayalaat' at all. it's being brainwashed into our heads even now ... it's just that most of us these days choose to expel these thoughts because of our exposure to 'other thoughts' that we have now. we CHOOSE to not accept the fragility of the female kind that is repeatedly instilled into us because it does us no good!

when i met my husband, i wasn't looking for a 'man' as my mother would've wanted 25 years ago ... i was looking for a buddy who i could hang out with on a saturday night at home without anything to do and still not be bored. that's all i needed in a partner. i got lucky that i found someone who shared my religious (lack of it) beliefs, cultural (lack of it) beliefs, spiritual (lack of it) beliefs, political ideologies, etc. etc.

other than that, we are two completely independent individuals who have lives of our own and we guard our independence fiercely. not that we dont trust each other but we enjoy having our separate lives. i dont change myself for him and he doesnt change himself for me. we love each other as we are. we are two friends living under a roof together. it's like in a hostel ... when two collegemates live together. that's how our household is. weekends mean beer bottles, us sprawled on sofas watching movies, laughing, throwing popcorn at each other ... yeh u get the idea.

Message for the writer of this post: wut's with this you being his respect bullshit? it really pissed me off to tell u the truth! it's disgusting that young educated women like you still carry these thoughts and you'll pass them on to the next generation who'd have to suffer just as we do now! i'm afraid that this passive submission might never stop. it's so genetically wired into us, it seems. it's just so so so sad to see educated women having to write such stories. get over it, man. he was just another guy. there are many out there. u'd have been miserable with him anyway. if you have to change so much for someone, it's better he is gone. i have no sympathy for such drama!!! Giving sympathy only makes the 'victim' feel more victimized. That's a cardinal rule of psychology. Being a psychologist, you must know that. I am not being harsh but encouraging you to face your anxiety and fears. Life has been rough for you yes and it has for me too ... but we have to face it and move on. We have to be strong and live it. It will be a VERY tough process (trust me, I know) but you gotta Get over yourself and learn from your mistakes and not let your surroundings affect you! move on. there's plenty other fish in the sea. Find one that suits you the best as a companion ... as a partner ...... and for the love of God if you believe, please ensure that you make sure you tell your daughter that she is no man's respect and she doesn't need any man to support her and that she is well-equipped to take care of herself through good and bad times!!!!!!!!!!!

Barooq said...

I like Roop
Finally someone is not buying the drama.
Shit happens ( supposedly in this case), people should get on with their lives.

Majaz said...

Thanks for the insightful comment, Roop. I definitely agree with many points that you mentioned. Primarily aspects regarding female independence and a sense of self. Each human being, man or woman, must remember that he/she is a person worthy of respect and has the power to change his/her life through his/her own prerogatives and actions. I also appreciate you talking about the social norms that come into play when we talk about weddings and relationships. Our society dictates these norms and most of us swallow them in because it's just easier to not-rebel against everything.

I also agree with the women-being-forced into marriage. That is another curse women face but yet again. Something hard to escape and defy.

However you must remember that societies aren't always destined for revolutions. Cultures and norms are permanent standards that are etched into the hearts and minds of people from the very beginning. After twenty or thirty years it becomes harder for individuals to defy these norms and become someone completely different.

Maybe you did. Maybe someone else will too. But for someone who has already given into the norm and the culture, it is next to impossible to try and fight the big gory monster. Believe me, I've tried. I succeeded, but I know that 99 percent of the people I know and have heard of would die in the first leg of the journey let alone win the battle.

So I guess what I'm saying is, that on the other end of the spectrum, it's not as easy as it seems to simply let go of the norm of wanting the respect of 'the man' and your desire to change and mould to the ways of your intended.

As a humanist, that's my analysis. I empathize with her dilemma, understanding the cultural relativism between her condition and what is a feminist stance, applicable in only Western countries. As a woman, yes. I wish she didn't have to cry over someone who didn't even find her worth staying for. Which is she totally did NOT deserve.

Majaz said...

Which is something* she totally did NOT deserve.

Anonymous said...

After reading the whole blog, the only thing that struck my mind was this line:

"Koi yeh kaisay bataye ke woh tanha kyun hai"

Anonymous said...

I agree with everything you say, majaz. It's not 'easy' at all to either change thinking that's transfused into us at birth or to stand up to a fairly oppressive society. What's the choice then? Suck it up and live a shit life 'hoping' that things might get better for our daughters who we'd subconsciously teach that they are the honor of the men in the family. Is that the only option left? Better dead than being alive then. Writing on iPhone. More later when I'm on puter.

Plus yeah it's not fair for her to have gone through this but you know what shit happens. She should've known better when she figured changing for him would be a good idea. A lotta things happen in life that might not seem fair to us but are fully justified for the party at the other end. Maybe the guy found her too clingy. You never know. Better to just move on ... much much much stronger this time though. :) good lesson learned. In cultures where dating is permitted, every girl/boy goes through the same experience as this lady did. It's a part of a learning process called growing up. More later as needed ;p.

Majaz said...

Well, the good news is.

She's got closure.

Anonymous said...

Good for her if she got closure.

You know my views on the issue.

reja said...

You know, when I was reading that blog, I felt I could empathize with your friend, but as I reached the end I was disappointed.
I did go through smthg similar where in the end I wondered what I did wrong, where I needed that closure...but now and after reading all the comments I'm coming to this realization that maybe that is our biggest mistake. Considering her situation and how it all unfolded- yes, outside forces did have a hand in it all, but, besides her molding her very being to his needs and desires, what exactly did she do that was so terrible that she had to keep asking herself 'what she did "wrong"? '! Is it such a crime to be scared of saying the wrong thing and putting off the inevitable argument? No, it's perfectly normal and as long as you finally get the nerve to do it, never bad! Your friend needs to stop thinking- I hope she has after her closure- 'where SHE went wrong'! All our actions shape our future…we don't know what the consequence will be for any of them and to sit down and ponder over it endlessly is a sad waste of time. Because mulling over the past can't help. And if that's our nature, it's something we will do regardless of ANY action that we make!
And now, I want to come to the point that made me want to post a comment in the first place. Anyone who could so clearly and beautifully share her story with others is an intelligent, mentally 'sorted out' adult. At other times and in other situations I'm so sure that she will handle herself logically. But here, her emotions have overshadowed that logic. You found your idea of prince charming. You spent some happy weeks with him and some stressful months after. But now he has left- after all your explanations, pleading and cries.
What is so special about him that makes you feel that he still deserves you!? He didn’t even stick around to fight for you both!
Please don’t wait for him. He didn’t. You will get over him- but that will happen the day YOU decide to. It can’t if you keep expecting him to come back. There’s a difference between wishful thinking and committing yourself to wait like a (I'm very sorry if this come out harsh but I can’t think of another example!) tragic heroine.
One often thinks of the “what if”s in life. We often wonder if that other person will call, message, email or approach us. Yet we go on with our lives and we do our best to get by without the other person. However, by telling yourself that you are ‘…sitting in complete helplessness…’ you’re not even giving yourself that chance!
If you’re not ready to go through that rishta process, don’t! If you don’t want to compromise on a partner but rather wait until you meet that right person again, go for it! But please stop blocking yourself of any chance to be happy again. Yes, mistakes can be undone. So if he ever comes around and takes that step towards you and you are still unattached or you still want to be with him, fantastic. But till then, go out, be with those who love you and who knows, you might find someone better.

Anonymous said...

Having read her story, and all the above comments I can’t help smiling.

You people talk of “individuality” or “rights” of “respect” and sadly none of you see what the reality is. Who she is, is HER “individuality” and I think we should “respect” that. Roop, if you wanted a buddy as a husband, good for you. But why are you imposing your ideologies onto her situation? Isn’t that in essence, taking away “her individuality?” There seems to be then no difference in her ex and you? Maybe most of you are the live and let live type, but she seems to be one of the very few women left in this world who actually understand the value, and status of a husband. And why is she upset? Because he did not reciprocate this respect and honor. Hence, if he didn’t do so, it makes HIM the bad guy. It makes him the hypocrite, not her. And calling her a “drama queen”? Is that respectful? I certainly do not think so? She seems to be a young intelligent woman, with a lot of respect, honor, and integrity in her heart. And she is one of the few people left who actually have that left. I’d like to repeat what she said…

“Do you know what kind of miracle it is? I am an optimist. I still believe in true love and soul mates. I'm waiting for you. And if you don't come back from this, you will change who I am.”

Don’t you see how rare this is? She IS an optimist. And she’s bruised. And that’s OKAY. And what makes you all see her as a drama queen is simply because (& now I’m sorry if I’m being harsh-cause I’m sure it is okay since u all seem to be rationalizing your words when you all say this while addressing her …) you people are not like her. You people lack the sensitivity that she entails. And this is simply why you all cannot accept that there is someone out there who is so sensitive, so caring, so loving. Someone who actually has hope in her heart in times where hypocrisy and lies prevail everywhere!

She has values.
She has morals.
She has integrity.

I think we all should learn something from her.

I wish her all the best. She is hurting and asking her to move on, and ridiculing her by calling her story a “drama” is unfair and honestly it’s horrific and so hard hearted! There is a period of grief and she needs to go through it. And while she’s there, she certainly doesn’t need such comments. SO may not be her “the one” but there is surely someone so much better awaiting her, who will match her purity. Amen.