Nov 18, 2008

... and that's why I need therapy.

I'm a perfectionist. I like thinking that if things aren't going exactly the way they're supposed to they aren't working at all, and I deserve to die. I feel unhappy at the slightest chance of failure and cannot tolerate something that I've worked hard over to go even a bit off-strike. I am passionate, they say to put it politely. Otherwise I'm just a different brand of crazy.

I can't sleep at night, I wake up thinking horrible is going to happen to my family, the people I love and the things I hold dear. I often dream of earthquakes, deaths, calamities, fires, angry goddesses and monstrous heads popping out of flowers and the like.

I worry endlessly and fear flawlessly. I write neurotically and always have the best ideas when I'm just about to fall asleep. I've bought a truckload of books, but I only read Harry Potter a million times. The rest I start, get excited and read halfway through them in one night. Then I put them back down, promising myself that I'd pick them up tomorrow and the only time that TOMORROW has come ... has been in the case of Orhan Pamuk's Snow.

I take pictures of everything and people call me crazy for having over tens of albums on Facebook. I'm a masochist, because since 2000 I have refused to take anything in strides. I did a crazy batch of latter-teen years when I breathed and ate my pre-medical books, debated from my college and took part in anything from a class skit to the annual Sindh Board Science Exhibition in which I made a project on photosynthesis that was a symbolic representation of the process. The judges loved it, thought it was creative. We didn't win of course. Those dinky-car-highway boys won with their slimy teacher who kept hovering around the jury.

I also remember failures way too much.

I drown myself in guilt secretly and hide it away when I'm trying to be all 'normal'. Then one night, right when the hormones are doing their crazy dance in my pituitary, I sob my eyes out on a pillow calling myself every bitter, pathetic name known to mankind - or my vocabulary (I also have a neurotic need to be extremely pragmatic after ever rant) and feel that I will never and ever be happy. No matter what.

And then there are my good days where I'm smiling and cheerful, hoping for the best until my car breaks down in the middle of the road on the very day I was asked to come early after coming late for many days. Or I expect a nice word out of someone but get feedback that is so critical and undeserved, it makes my blood pound, my head spin and my feet all sweaty. Then my neck starts to hurt and I pick a fight with Ali.

Those are the days when my hope swings left again and I hate God and religion and mankind and every tiny leggo of my faith that I'd precariously perched on that high tower begins to wobble and eventually tumble into a heap of what can only be called as the darkest aspects in my shiny, usually plow-through-crap-no-matter-what self. That's when I don't want to hear 'there's a grand design'. I just want to hear that people fucked up as people and now we are who we are. Messy, uncivilized, uncouth and laughable.

And that's when I get my sense of humor back.

And I realize that as long as it's working ... I can avoid that appointment.

Yes I can.

19 comments:

Hira S. said...

You're looking at this from the wrong angle. You don't need therapy, the rest of the world does.

Majaz said...

Na, yaar. That's an old placebo. Doesn't work with me anymore.. :(

Z said...

You can't give therapy to the rest of the world - but where majority may win, majority isn't always right.

Hang in there. Pray you can make a difference for your own family unit at the very least... I know being a woman in this fucked up society can't really fight for her children in what she believes is right if her husband doesn't share the same opinion, even if she actually is right and not just believes that she is right. And I know that the society norms prevail wherever its fucked up beings may be in the whole wide world, so escape to a foreign land is no refuge. But still knowing what I know about you, I pray you'll be able to make a difference for your family unit and the matters related to them.

Saadat said...

A person who can dissect her mood swings in such detail doesn't need therapy.

And yes, you can.

Mampi said...

You have such a wonderful expression, M.
I know I might sound a little callous, but then I had to say this to this post.

karachiwali said...

u dont need a therapy! you are just sensitive towards certain things and thats actually good.

Monsoon said...

Halfway through..i thought you were talking about my life

Awais Karim said...

All i can say is i do pray that life teaches u its hardest lesson soon.... ignore the things u don't like and be happy with what u are.

Try to become a participant rather than a perfectionist. You shouldn't judge urself from the output of an effort. Judge urself on the effort u had put. If u have given ur 100% then that is all that was demanded of u not the final result.

Sense of humour is ur best weapon use it often.

One thing more....I love the way u wrote this article. U have and extraordinary writing skills. Hats of to u.

Majaz said...

Z.
You know my story. I am and forever will be the perfectionist. My life will continue to be a string of perfectionist-gone-right and perfectionist-gone-wrong moments.

Saadat.
Thanks. You're the glass is half-full guy right? :)

Mampi,
You didn't sound callous at all. Seriously!

KW,
Too sensitive is right. My skin's all peeled off.

Monsoon,
So we should get that appointment sometime soon eh?

Awais,
Perfectionism versus participation isn't a hard choice. Gimme something better. Like perfectionism versus laissez faire. Or something. I participate to desire perfect results. Your equation goes wrong right there.

Humna said...

Does it console to know, thats all perfectly normal to feel majaz? though you dont seem to be looking for consolation..
I sometimes wonder at people who dont feel this low.. how do they manage to? how do they feel? and how intensly do they allow themselves to feel?

thats a brave entry though. you put down a lot.

Majaz said...

More difficult than brave. How do you translate the twitching jaw and the darkness of the empty room into words?

Into words ... that matter?

Those people are probably happier, Humna. MUCH happier.

YH said...

Your words are deep but dark...

It's always good to express one's self but maybe private things should be kept out of such a public forum? Maybe?

Majaz said...

I did try to be as discreet as I could. There wasn't anything secretive or shameful about what I wrote here. These are things people go through everyday and refuse to accept that it's happening to them. Maybe this might give them courage to step outta that shell. Maybe this might help me see a few things as I get a little outside perspective? I appreciate your concern.

Absar Shah said...

Lol! People who pretend they don't need therapy need to be disciplined to tell the truth :P All of us need one thing or the other :P

BTW - House in the header collage - no wonder you noticed the song in the episode!

Majaz said...

I'm a House fanatic. Yeah. Love the character, the show, the music.

YH said...

Oh okay...I didn't really mean to put you on the defensive by my comment. Hope no offense was taken!

PS: Your collage is pretty neat =). I just noticed it.

Tazeen said...

everyone need therapy, only few are smart enough to realise that.

Hufsa said...

It's not about needing therapy, all this is a part of life.
Some people see life very simply while others complex. It's the perspective, thus you are completely normal :)
hehe.. when I get all those thoughts in my head, I make wadu, pray nafil namaz and make Du'aa. And maybe talk things out with someone... it really helps to clear and process the thoughts :)
And about taking pictures of everything, I do the same and that is not crazy, it's COOL! haha :D

yesterdaywazbetter said...

that the exactly way you are describing yourself... do u think i should think of a therapy too ?